Imagine you're driving home from church, temple, mosque, when your 15-year-old suddenly says something that has you ducking for cover in fear that God will unleash a lightning bolt intended for your teen.
After years of attending church services, your obedient teenager expresses her desire to no longer attend services. Not because he or she hates going, but because he or she doesn't share your beliefs and those of the church.
Your head spins at this revelation. How will you respond? This definitely creates a problem. Particularly if there are younger siblings in the family who will no doubt use the "Why do I have to go and Susie doesn't?" approach.
But let's consider the ramifications of your child's issue. Forcing her to continue attending religious services trivializes her developing sense of self and tells her that your beliefs are more important than hers. Not the best idea, especially for teens who are prone to rebellion when forced to conform to a parent's ideals.
Personally, I wouldn't want my kid going through religious motions simply to make me feel better.
The impact of a child's absence at church would be great in a devout family. Maybe even a reflection, as some might perceive, of a parent's failure. And for those who see it as such, the issue becomes more about the parent's desires and not those of the child.
Perhaps, when faced with a child's wish to follow their own path, we embrace it by simply encouraging and exemplifying the purest form of faith. Good thoughts, good words and good deeds.
What means would you use to resolve this issue? Would you see it as an affront to your religious beliefs?
As far as the smaller children, it will just have to be explained to them.
Saying kids should do whatever they want because they have their own beliefs is bs. They can obviuosly believe in anything they want. We can't stop them. And they should be able to. But if the family rule is that we all go to church once a week, then everyone in the family will go to church. After mass, you can do anything you want. As long as it is in accordance with the family values. One thing that does helps is going to a church where all their friends from school go. Friends are the most important thing in a teenagers life. If they are there, they get to see them. That's what worked for me.
Parents may be right or wrong in their decisions, but it is ultimately their decision. If parents believe that church is something the entire family does together, then they should bring their kids/teens to church. When the kids grow up, live on their own and pave their own way in life, they can decide what's best for them. Parents have a tough job, raising kids in a world where messages are mixed and there are always people telling them that they are doing something wrong. If bringing a reluctant child/teen to church is the biggest issue the family has to debate, they should get a medal.
It's hard enough raising a family without letting kids make up their own minds on what they want to do and not do. Don't forget, their actions and "beliefs" also affect their siblings. It's not just about them. My point is nobody is forcing them to believe. We are just asking them to go to church with the family because that's what we do. Nobody forces them to believe that you're going to use geometry ever when you grow up. But we make them sit in that class and pay attention and get passing grades, don't we? Because that's is what is expected of them. They can burn their math books when they are 18 if they want to. Not when they're 14.
He told me how he saw the old war serials that showed schoolchildren being taught to salute the Nazi flag. At the time, this was good propaganda for the war. But Gramps thought about it and he realized that it was exactly the same thing as teaching young kids to salute the American flag. It's ALL indoctrination, no matter which side it's on. Those kids didn't know what they were doing. They were INNOCENT and only doing what they were told. They needed to go out into the world and learn what those flags, those SYMBOLS, meant for themselves. Gramps saw that forcing them to believe in a Symbol that YOU believe in without giving them the facts and the time and the maturity to make their own decisions was doing those kids a great disservice. Gramps knew that the only difference between kids saluting an American flag and kids saluting a Nazi flag was nothing more than US vs THEM, our side is right and their side is wrong. He fought in the war for the rights of those kids to MAKE A CHOICE. He taught me to always think about my actions because there is always a choice. Old Gramps is dead and gone these 20 years, but his legacy lives on in me. Give your kids a choice. You may find they're smart enough to make the right decision.
I see that as being no different from "My way or the highway."
Of course it's "my way or the highway". How do you run your household? Not everyone has kids that will just stop at not going to church. When would you say, "uhhh no, you can't have sex in the house or do drugs".
It should NEVER be "my way or the highway." There should always be discussion between parents and kids and a decision made between them. This is how you teach kids how to reason and about consequences. THEN you set rules. Granted, a two year old is not going to understand much of it, but if you continue to explain it as he/she grows up and learns more and have discussions about why this or that rule applies and permit them to make reasoned arguments about why this or that rule should be changed, you are giving the kid a solid foundation for later life. I believe in never saying "because I said so" or "that's just the way it is." I always give reasons and I always have discussions. I never make the law and expect it to be obeyed. Kids don't learn anything that way, except how to be good little sheeple.
Attending church should not be treated differently than other choices kids make. If a child gives sound, logical reasons for quitting band, playing a sport, getting a part-time job, not attending church--or switching churches, or any other way he or she wants to spend his or her time, his or her viewpoints should be treated with respect. Unfortunately, with church it's too often about appearances (the comment above about picking a church that kids' friends attend, too, is especially telling) and parents are embarrassed when people ask "Where's Kayla today?" My suggestion: Watch the episode of The Simpsons "Homer the Heretic" together and discuss.
And AtlantiCat not following the Catholic faith after 13 years of Catholic schooling is exactly my point. You were not brainwashed. You seem intelligent. I assume you've gone onto a good life, we hope. And by somewhere in those 13 years you may have picked up good habits from the church, be good to your fellow man, love, pray for peace, then how is it so bad. I've raised 3 girls and I must say, against Dr. Phil's advice, we are best friends. But that doesn't mean that I didn't have to deal with: "I want to quit softball because I don't like it anymore" Finish what you started then you can quit at the end of the season. "I want to quit my job because my boss is mean" Talk to your boss and work through it. "I want to get my belly button pierced" How's bout we wait until your older than 10 years old. This is not about religion. Forget religion. It's about realizing that you may know better than your kids about life. Every family is different- for some, church on Sunday is not important enough to enforce. Other families- it's important... and in turn will let their kids go to the Blink 182 concert that afternoon. That's my family. That's compromise.
Listen, my whole point is to let parents parent without criticism for enforcing church attendance by their children. Maybe we could discuss parents who let their teenage kids have parties with sex, drugs and alcohol because "kids will be kids," might as well let 'em do it at home where it's safe.
Some the kindest people I've known have not been church goers and have simply lived by the golden rule: do unto others as you'd have done to you.
She had an attitude and let everyone see (tell-tale sign of immaturity). But worrying about what anyone else thinks shouldn't be on anyone's mind. The spiritual welfare of one's child is all that matters. She softened up again and even joined the teen group at the church. And just a note, the people of a church who understands the struggles of a rebellious spirit would recognize what was going on and be supportive, not give negative eye glances or such. My daughter did choose to stop coming with us when she turned 18 and went to college. It has been a few years now and as a mature adult who is on her own, she has picked back up and attends a Bible teaching church. If the life the parents live is counter to what the church is teaching, then I can see a problem. But even a child can see when the parents are trying to live what is taught on Sunday. That, above all, is what will take root. Otherwise, it would be very difficult to explain what the point of attending church would be.
Some of my most giving friends don't attend church. And some of my fellow parishioners seem to miss the messages...as they're fighting to get out of the parking lot after mass.
We lived in cottages 12 boys to each cottage & had a "house parent" in charge who lived with us. If he/she was a Protestant they would make you go to the service later in the day if you wanted to or not. If you spoke up against it you were held down by 11 other boys & the house parent would beat you with, YEP a paddle! Is it any wonder why I am a non believer now that I`m an adult? All my life they tried to "beat" religion into me. Yes I am an atheist. But not really for those reasons. That`s another story.