Saying NO to your kids does not make you a bad parent, but saying YES may

As a parent, we all want to provide for our kids and help them feel good about themselves.

Many of us feel as though we went “without” so many things growing up that we want to shield our children from the disappointment, pain or embarrassment that we may have felt.

However, those feelings of disappointment and pain are what make us appreciate our blessings and motivate us to aim higher. If a child is always given everything they desire and has the best of everything, how will they know to appreciate it if they’ve never been denied anything? Most times less is more.

In the article “Are You Raising Entitled Kids,” counselor Sissy Goff talks about the dangers of providing kids with everything they desire and rewarding mediocrity.

We couldn’t agree more. The fact is that adversity is a part of life, and a part of building character and resiliency in kids. The only way for kids to know how to cope with adversity is to experience it.  Resiliency and coping skills are not things that can be learned from a book, an app or the best and brightest teacher. These things are learned by experience. Start with a toddler learning how to share a toy and dealing with the disappointment of it not being his turn.  As the child grows and experiences more adversity in life, these “mini” hardships will give him or her   patience, understanding and empathy for others.

As Goff points out in the article, it is never too late to place boundaries on kids.  No matter what age your child, you can admit to your child (which, by the way, also does NOT make you a bad parent) that you may not have handled a few things in the best way. These new boundaries may be painful at first, but with consistency they will give kids a better chance out in the world, where there are adversities and limits and people tell them “no.”

To help you get started, below are five ways to help build character and coping skills in children:

• Let them fail, occasionally.  If a child has never experienced the pain of failure, they will never know the feeling of empowerment that comes from accomplishment.
• Be honest with them about their strengths and weaknesses.  If a child is constantly told that they are the most beautiful and best at everything from birth, they are being set up for disappointment. Instead of giving children a false sense of superiority, give them a goal and something to strive for.
• Say ‘no’ once in a while.  If a child is given whatever they want, whenever they ask for it, they will not develop the skills needed to succeed later in life and in the workforce. Success takes hard work and commitment. If children have everything handed to them without effort, why should they work?  How many bosses will give raises and accolades for just “showing up?”
• Raise the bar.  Demand that your child treat you and everyone else with respect. Children will rise or fall to your expectations. If you expect good behavior and don’t settle for less, that is what you will get. If you allow your child to be disrespectful, that is exactly what you will get.
• Be consistent.   If a child disobeys or neglects a boundary, be consistent in the consequences. Taking a privilege away from a child is not cruel; however, failing to equip them with the skills they will need to face the real world is.